I Miss the Me I Used To Be

My doctor told me to go on 30-45 minute walks (or some kind of exercise) every day. Well, today I went on my usual trail and only got about 3/4 of a mile because for some reason, the trail was spinning. It felt like someone was shaking me while I was walking. I had to stop a couple times. This is so frustrating so I quickly took a pen to paper and wrote this poem. Hope you like it


I miss the me I used to be
the girl who danced until her feet bled
the girl who kept her promises
I miss the me I used to be

I miss the me I used to be
the girl who juggled a vibrant journey
the girl who seldom said no to anybody
I miss the me I used to be

I miss the me I used to be
the girl who accepted great challenge
the girl who always saw the silver lining
I miss the me I used to be

I miss the laughs, loves, and being free
But most of all...
I miss the me I used to be

My Dirty Dance with Topamax

The fall of 2011 I was prescribed Topamax. It's primarily used for seizures, but now it's used for chronic migraines. Instead of taking it on the onset of a migraine, you take it daily. Many said it was a wonder medication, but I had a different experience.

At the beginning, you take the "start slow and go" method by gradually increasing dosage therefore increasing the side effects. I didn't even get to the full dosage before I started the "dopamax" symptoms. The first thing I noticed that I was so tired and lightheaded lately. Then all of a sudden, I couldn't say words that I wanted to. Imagine being a banker and not being able to say the word cashier's check. How embarrassing! About one week in, I noticed soda and alcohol tasted like it was completely metal. So disgusting! Guess who lost ten pounds pretty quickly? Weight loss was also a side effect and I definitely wasn't complaining. The only good thing from this medication was that I looked absolutely smokin! Then about two weeks in, I had a scary vertigo symptom. I couldn't walk without falling over and I about cried right at my office.

After the vertigo, my doctor recommended I keep the dosage at half what is normally prescribed, which is 50 mg a day. I still was having crazy dopey symptoms. I was a skinny idiot! The straw that broke the camel's back though was when I had some very uncomfortable digestive issues. (Don't worry I won't go into detail). Finally, my doctor let me slowly stop this medication. I had to literally beg because they truly believed this drug would help. The funny part was I still had the painful migraines plus the other crazy side effects.

So they kept me on the Propanolol (at a higher dosage) and advised no more over the counter pain relievers. I was so scared to try anything else that I begged my doctor to keep me on the simple medication to regulate my blood pressure. Then something wonderful happened: I got accepted into an MBA program and a promotion in Kansas City!